Life smiled at me when I didn't expect it anymore – RB

Life smiled at me when I didn’t expect it anymore – RB

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Life smiled at me when I didn’t expect it anymore – RB

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Life smiled at me when I didn’t expect it anymore – RB

I like all the connotations of the verb to start over. Because regardless of the context in which this is placed, it always refers to the possibility of a new beginning , even when we had the certainties that this would never come. So it happened to me .

I have been convinced of this for many, too many years, when I chose to stay next to that man and his demons , to the torments, the same ones that I have tried to relieve out of love, or perhaps out of convenience. Because after all the time spent sharing life this seemed to me the only epilogue for us, for me. To stay by his side.

So I did, even when the meaning of the word love seemed empty, even when I wondered if he and I really loved each other. Because after all, when we met I was just a child , just as he was too. And it would have been nice if we had stayed that way, with the light-heartedness of our years nullified by the need to grow up too fast. Because in those times, mine, we were not allowed to dream too long .

And then the habits, the birth of children and that economic independence that could not exist . Because after work, he would return to his demons, the ones who bore the name of alcohol, while I had to take care of the house, the children and everything that he couldn’t do.

But the more time passed, the more I became convinced that that was my only destiny already written by someone else. But I didn’t really believe it. So I started looking at the world that existed out there, and that I had neglected for too long because locked in my prison. And I found that it was beautiful and full of opportunities , what I had never had, that I had never sought .

Sure, doing it at my age was a head shot for some. After all, after having been a wife and mother for many years, the only role I was destined for was that of grandmother. Because that’s the way life is. But I decided for myself that it was not too late and I started over. I didn’t do it suddenly and boldly, but in small steps.

I found a job , the first in a long time. A humble job that, however, made me feel the spark, the one I thought was extinguished forever. This allowed me to finally become financially independent. And to leave that house. And this did not happen with dramas and insults, because my husband and I knew that by now it was only the fear of being left without the other that kept us together , and to abandon everything we knew, for better or for worse. But we did it. And I’m gone .

This was enough for me. A little bit of the serenity I never had to feel good about myself. A priceless feeling that seems banal, but that mirrored everything I’ve always wanted. So I kept spending days getting used to the new routine, until something happened that upset her.

A man came into my life . He has actually returned. That old friend lost from sight, and met on the streets of the country, has become my confidant, my supporter. He became my partner. And my heart started beating again as it hadn’t done for a long time. The everyday life to which I was getting used to has transformed, again and became for two. And it never looked so good.

And then I realized that it is precisely when you no longer expect anything from life that it amazes you and smiles at you as perhaps it never did. As he did with me.