Jealousy, low blows, rivalry … How to react when a colleague tries to harm you?
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Jealousy, low blows, rivalry … How to react when a colleague tries to harm you ?
Jealousy, low blows, rivalry … How to react when a colleague tries to harm you? We have explained the details of the news, step by step, below. Jealousy, cheap blows, rivalry … How to react when a colleague tries to harm you? Keep reading our news. Here are all the details on the subject.
Jealousy, low blows, rivalry … How to react when a colleague tries to harm you?
Rumors whispered in the ears of the manager, trick questions in meetings, colleague who plays the little boss … In the office, low blows can lead to the real war of the trenches. Hence the importance of reacting quickly but with diplomacy, to avoid the endless spiral of resentment.
It often starts with little things. A colleague who forgot, he swears, to put you in copy of an email. Another who, in a meeting, asks you the pointed question that you told him ten minutes earlier that you dreaded. A new project that we had to entrust to you, which everyone knows that you are interested in, but that a colleague recovers in extremis by dint of coffee with your manager . Or more deviously, a personal ordeal – divorce, illness, financial problems … – whispered to your office neighbor, that he hastens to go and repeat so much so that the rest of the team don’t think you can handle such a big customer anymore.
The more they multiply, the less these clashes pass for clumsiness. “A low blow, a real one, causes a feeling of betrayal and has an impact on our professional life”, underlines the coach and doctor in anthropology Marie Rebeyrolle, founder of the cabinet Carré Pluriel. Even carried out with a smile and in civilized terms, these attacks carry the seeds of a real war of influence, with potentially serious consequences. Isolate a colleague, sabotage his image in the eyes of the team, play the little boss to nibble his self-confidence… None of this is trivial. To let oneself go or, conversely, to react too quickly, is to take the risk of a latent conflict, atmosphere of sniper fire through the open space and manipulation strategies worthy of an episode of the series Succession .
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First step to avoid it: take a step back. First, because we are not all equal when it comes to jealousy or cheap blows. Where some will immediately counterattack, others will be taken short, dejected or even completely depressed. It all depends on one’s personality, history and personal experiences. Taking a step back from your own reactions and their intimate motives, perhaps with the help of a coach or a psychologist, is to give yourself the opportunity to balance them and not to act under the sole influence of your emotions.
All the more so as unconscious biases can lead us to feel attacked, when this is not the case. “Better to bet on the credit of intention, assuming our colleagues well-intentioned, rather than on the trial of intent”, encourages Marie Rebeyrolle. A colleague constantly forgets to put you in copy of important exchanges? You can question him, adopting an open posture and a precise approach technique. “We recall the facts, we ask an open question, then we ask our colleague to make a commitment,” explains our coach. For example: “I am never in copy of these exchanges when I think I need to be. What do you think ? Can we agree on the way forward from now on? ” All of this with a smile and a reminder that better functioning would benefit everyone.
Same thing with this other colleague, yet your equal, who plays the little boss, constantly asks you if you have revived such and such a client or set up such and such an appointment. We can, before shooting him a volley of green wood, give him the benefit of the doubt. “He may be looking for help to organize his own work, without daring to say so clearly,” suggests Marie Rebeyrolle. We can first ask him why he asks us these questions, before telling him what we feel – “it’s intrusive”, “I live it as if you were playing N + 1″ – and ask him to ‘Stop.” Even if you know them well, you can always ignore what is going on in the minds of your office neighbors.
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Analyze the area of conflict
Are there objective and rational explanations for a coworker’s aggressive or devious behavior? “Certain contexts create conflict, in a systemic way,” emphasizes Marie Rebeyrolle. A director incapable of deciding, a hierarchy used to promoting those who pull at the paws of others, services whose territories overlap in fact, an HR management based on up or out … Analyzing all this allows us to understand precisely what is at stake, to remember that everything is not is not our doing, so to reassure, but also to choose his fights. ”
Not all are worth it: you don’t transform the intrinsic functioning of a business by coming into conflict with a colleague. No more than changing a jealous and irrational employee, addicted to rivalry, into an affable and reasonable personality. Before counterattacking, therefore, it is important to decide for each battle whether it is worth fighting. Before, if so, to prepare an adapted tactic.
The strategy of the game of go
To win a game of chess, we try to knock down the opposing pieces and empty the tray. “At the office, we adopt the opposite strategy, that of the Japanese game of go: we start with a blank board on which we advance our stones one by one. We try to occupy the territory, to exist more than the other. We avoid confrontation, otherwise we risk becoming encysted in a sterile conflictual relationship and passing, in everyone’s eyes, for the obsessive and unbearable colleague. ” The best tactic, then, is to deploy yourself, rather than blow for blow. To be as professional as possible, to invest your energy in your work and to get involved, even more than usual, with the rest of the team.
This is the key to cope: the rival counts less than the spectators. “The main issue is not to end up in a corridor, warns Marie Rebeyrolle. Alone, we are lost. You never get out of a conflictual relationship without allies. Hence the importance of deepening the links that already exist and forging new ones. ” Take the time to have a coffee with a close colleague, have lunch with a member of another department, ask questions, seek help or advice on current cases …
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The objective is to identify the right people, according to their personality or their position, to build a network of allies, who will act when the time comes. “They will be able to send you information, take your defense in a meeting or argue for you in your absence”, lists Marie Rebeyrolle. As long as you don’t try to pit them all against the colleague with whom there is a conflict. Hence the importance of taking a step back and detaching yourself from your emotions to find the right balance between defending yourself and crushing the other.
The red line of harassment
Because there is a danger in letting violence set in and gain in intensity. “Fear and anguish play their part in these relationships, warns Marie Rebeyrolle,” they feed deaf, latent conflicts punctuated by repeated attacks, which can end very badly. ” And turn to moral harassment, with its share of consequences, until burn out . “This is the limit, the one where we involve managers or HRD and where we objectively question the functioning of our company, continues our coach. If it promotes these behaviors and we do not support them, it is better to go away. Otherwise, it is unlivable. ”
Nothing obliges oneself to inflict the law of the strongest when other modes of management rely on collective intelligence and mutual aid . Nothing obliges, either, to undergo its own reaction to the jealousy, the cheap blows and the campaigns of denigration which are sometimes played out in company. The more you occupy an important position, the more power you have, the more you arouse jealousy and resentment. Unless you refuse promotions, you are therefore forced to learn to live with it. Hence the interest in investing in yourself and getting to know yourself in order to better arm yourself. The ability to be assertive, to defend yourself, and not to be beaten down by a rival is like a muscle – it grows stronger over time and with practice. So it’s never too early to get started.